Saturday, January 7, 2012

Scooter's January 6th Homeboy E-Update...With Notes

E-update from the Desk of Governor Scott Walker

One of the most important duties I have serving as your Governor is to provide you directly with updates related to the operation of our state government. While completely ignoring the uncomfortable fact that just yesterday three associates of mine were arrested for felony embezzlement and child enticement. In an effort to improve communication, periodically I will be sending out an e-update to provide you with more information about what is going on in state government. The Milwaukee District Attorney will fill in any gaps I may overlook.  Please feel free to share this update with your family, friends, and others who may be interested in state government operations. Except the pornography, sexting and trolling for young boys. That's kinda gross...don't share that okay?

One Year on the Job Or as Voters Call it - Purgatory
Over the course of the first year serving as your Governor I made a number of promises aimed at improving our state.  Yeah, that thing about the 250,000 jobs doesn't count, cause I said that before I was Governor...suckers. Unlike many office holders who often make promises that they do not keep, Check it, I just shit on like every other elected official I know...'cause that's how the Gubizzle rolls. I followed through on a number of important initiatives aimed at reforming government and leaving our kids and grandkids with a state better off than the one we received. Schools - whacked. Clean air - hammered. Health Care - pwned. Wait til those muthafuckas see the deficit I leave behind for them, they are gonna freak yo! Below is a listing of the major promises I took action on during my first year on the job. 
  • I promised to balance Wisconsin’s $3.6 billion budget deficit without increasing taxes or requiring massive public employee layoffs. And I didn't dawg, I raised taxes and threatened to fire 6000 workers - to show I was down. But I'm gonna keep saying it anyway. On June 26th signed into law the 2011-13 budget. After a whole bunch of bullshit hippie posers tried to harsh my buzz. This balanced budget makes tough choices while providing a path to recovery and prosperity for our state and our people. My man Cullie wrote that for me. That guy can make any stone cold lie sound like a song. Through honest budgeting, we are providing an alternative to the reckless tricks and gimmicks of the past. We just raided the general and transportation fund, NBD. Just as any parent would dread leaving their kids in debt, it is the dream of every mother and father to leave their children a little better off, and that’s what our budget will do. I am going to die and go to heaven and you little shorties will go through my stuff and discover I liked to wear Tonette's panties. But only when I'm stressed. 
  • I promised to call the Legislature into Special Session to pass pro-growth legislation aimed at helping employers create jobs. Especially those Koch dudes and that rich guy from New York, Roger Hertog who gave me 50k last month.  Earlier this year I signed legislation into law improving Wisconsin’s litigation climate, improving the state’s regulatory process, creating the Wisconsin Economic Development Corporation, creating a tax credit for employers that create jobs, and making health savings accounts tax deductible. Don't tell anyone, but we all have this list of shit we say. Me, Fitzy, Robo and that little Mexican guy, Suder. See we have a list and they told us at ALEX to just keep saying it over and over like it's a good thing. They got me a really cool hotel room comped with breakfast. In these challenging economic times while Illinois is raising taxes, we are lowering them. Yeah, they're adding jobs while we are losing them, what's your point?  On my first day in office I called a Special Session of the legislature, not in order to raise taxes, but to open Wisconsin for business. And wrote a big fucking check to all my pals who gave me money, all legit tho. It's called job creator incentives!  I am pleased to sign into law bills that provide tax relief to small businesses, create a job-friendly legal environment, lessen the regulations that stifle growth, and expand tax credits for companies that relocate here and grow here. Money for rich dudes, ballers gotta ball.
  • I promised to help the private sector create 250,000 new jobs by 2015.  After 3 years of net private sector job losses totaling 150,000, in the first 11 months of 2011 Wisconsin had a net increase of thousands of new jobs. 16,000 which kept us basically flat, but chill - we're pacing ourselves. Because of the hard work done so far to improve Wisconsin’s business climate, employers are willing to grow and invest in our state.  Yeah, there were more plant closings and layoffs this year than last, but those companies were punk losers anyway. That is good for middle class working families and it is good for Wisconsin.  Except for those taxes we raised on 'em, the Badgercare crap they keep whining about. Pffft! We are on our way to creating 250,000 jobs by 2015, but there is more work to be done in order to meet and surpass that goal. Like a fuckin' miracle bro. 
  • I promised to pay off the debts and fund raids of the past. And never tell you when I do it myself...psyche! Working with the Legislature we were able to pay off $800 million in unpaid bills, including $235 million to the Patient's Compensation Fund and $58 million owed to the state of Minnesota.  'Cause we had to dawg - don't even think we didn't try and get out of it. I thought we owned all them judges. These are huge steps toward restoring confidence in our state’s ability to manage its finances. Which is all you should care about right? Who gives a shit about the lawsuits, the arrests, seized computers and those creepy gay guys? The era of illegal fund raids, Now we have administrative office raids. job killing tax increases, Now we have family killing tax increases on poor people.  one time money being used for ongoing operations, Now we just slash all operations like Planned Parenthood and good schools. and massive budget deficits has ended. Until 2013! ROTFLMAO!  Paying off outstanding bills, operating under a balanced budget, and working on bipartisan, pro-growth initiatives sends a clear message to job creators that Wisconsin is open for business. Except all those bullshit hippie posers won't go home and Steve Kagan just measured drapes for my office. Asshole. 
  • I promised to take politics out of the woods.  Last year I appointed a Whitetail Deer Trustee and held a roundtable to listen to the concerns of hunters.  I totally thought he was going to be a real motherfucking deer. What a rip! The Deer Trustee will provide an independent evaluation, study Wisconsin’s deer management practices, and make recommendations.  Total bullshit since he's not really a deer. He's just some dude from Texas Cullie paid a shitload of money to. It is vitally important that hunters, sportsmen and women, and conservationists trust the state to be a partner in helping to effectively sustain our deer populations.  The Deer Trustee will help ensure they have confidence in Wisconsin’s deer herd management practices. Who cares? Someone gave this to me to write down, I don't give a shit. I'm hungry.
  • I promised to freeze property taxes.  I wanted to make it freeze with my concealed gun, but Cullie said it doesn't work that way. So I froze their Homestead Tax Credit instead and let the villages raise 'em for me. The budget signed into law and reforms are saving taxpayers hundreds of dollars.  They are gonna need them when the school districts raise their levy's and they find out they got no earned income tax credit dude.  For the first time in six years the school portion of the property tax levy went down one percent on average across the whole state. See it was too late for this year, but next year? Blam! Our reforms are protecting taxpayers while keeping our schools great. Next year - Blam! Taxpayers are seeing their levies go down for the first time in six years, while our schools continue to meet the needs of Wisconsin students. Blam! Blam! Blam! This shit is better than a taser man. I didn't need no fucking school and I'm the Gubizzle.

It has been a pleasure communicating with you.  It is an honor to serve as your Governor and represent the residents of Wisconsin. And I'm gonna ride this bitch down into the ground until they bury me with it. Word.

Governor Scott Walker
Son of a Preacherman